Update

Hello to anyone who is still checking this (all two of you).

It's been a while since I've posted anything of any substance, so I'll clue you in to what has been happening in my life.

My office expanded and relocated. My job duties also expanded. I am now the boss of five people instead of one, as before. We see many more testers in a day than we used to and I have a lot more paperwork to do. I haven't really gotten the hang of it yet. I feel like I'm always scrambling to get stuff done and each day, instead of getting more accomplished, my list of "to-dos" gets longer and longer. I hope this will change with time and I will become more comfortable and confident in my position. I also got Test Center Administrator of the Year - which is a nice pat on the back for all my hard work. I wonder if it comes with a bonus?

I'm back at church on a regular basis and it's like I never left. I'm trying not to let it consume me as much as it did before, but I'm discovering that that is hard for me to accomplish. My love for my congregation runs deep and I want to be an active participant in furthering the spiritual life of these people I care so much for. They are all family to me and I can't make myself take that step back that might save my sanity. I can only hope that as I mature and grow in my faith that I will be able to find a balance that meets everyone's needs - including my own.

My brother and his wife are having a baby. I am both equally excited and sad by this. Our relationship is not what it should be, for many reasons. There have been many missteps and bad decisions on both sides. Progress is being made, however, and I hope it continues.

My best friend is also about to burst forth life (some time in Oct). Everyone is having babies around me. Where is mine? I could not be happier for her and the little life she is creating. But I can't help but wonder if that is a path that will ever be mine? All signs are pointing to no (due to my lack, unfortunately) and a very elemental piece of me mourns that loss.

Next week is my three year anniversary with Nate. I continually find myself amazed that I am married to such a wonderful, funny person who puts up with way to much of my shit. I'm more grateful than anyone could know that I have found a person so loving, intelligent, and dedicated to spend my life with. I am not always an easy person to be with and I commend Nate for not booting me out the door yet.

School is . . . . school. I only have one more year to go and every moment is killing me. I know, deep inside, that this is something that I have to do to feel like a whole person. But the time it takes up is excruciating. Some days I feel that the only lesson I've learned is how to force myself to sit down and do something I don't want to do. And maybe that's enough. I wish it didn't cost so much though.

So, I guess that's me in a nutshell right now. Thanks to all for continuing to be my friends and support me even though I never call or email or see you. You are all more precious to me than you'd realize and at times like this (midnight on friday, sitting on my porch, feeling reflective) I cherish the fact that I am lucky enough to have people who love me in my life.

"To obtain a bird's eye is to turn a blizzard to a breeze."

Random Stream of Consciousness

So, I have been a bad blog mommy lately.

Too bad.

I'm tired today. I'm tired and I have no creative things to say.

I bought a guitar! It's awesome. My fingers hurt.

I'm hungry. And I want a cigarette.

I am bona fide
and classified
stratified
placed aside
demystified
oven fried
not one to hide

L8tr!

A picture is worth a 1000 words.

I'm not feeling very wordy tonight. But, apparently, I am feeling photogenic. Enjoy some pictures I took of my favorite subject ... ME!

Why I hate the media.

I won't grossly generalize. I don't really hate the media. Perhaps I should have called this post "Why I hate Tucker Carlson." Are you asking yourselves, "Why do you hate Tucker Carlson, Jessie?" Well, my pretties, watch this:



This man is in a position of power in our national media. A man who speaks of beating someone so casually and thinks it's quite funny. It just so happens that the man that Carlson spoke of is gay. So, now civil rights people everywhere in an uproar about Carlson's "gay-bashing." I personally don't think it matters one bit whether the man was gay or not. What's important here is that now we know what kind of people are in charge of our media. It's time for some serious change here.

And now, in closing, why I love Jon Stewart:

Saving the World One Monitor at a Time

I recently changed my blog background to plain black. This is not a reflection of my mood, but it is, in fact, an energy saving move. I read somewhere (and I'll find the link soon) that if you change your background to black the monitor will use less energy than if they background is a lighter color. I think that only works for the standard monitors - not flat screens or laptops - but hey, every little bit helps.

525,600 Minutes

As of yesterday my grandpa has been dead for one year. (I tried to think of a less blunt and possibly less harsh way of putting it, but it is what it is.)

"December 24, 9 pm, Easter Standard Time. I can't believe a year went by so fast."

Some days it feels like it's only been moments since I last spoke with my grandpa. Others, it feels as if he's been gone for so long he's a blurry memory in the back of my mind. My grandpa was the first person of any great consequence in my life to die and it's been interesting to see how this loss has affected my family. Some of us have grown closer and others have created a chasm of pain, anger and bitterness so large that one cannot see the people on the other side.

Grandpa knew he was going to die. He had cancer and had consciously decided not not fight it anymore. He was being treated by a hospice and was planning for the end of his life. He did not want a wake or a viewing. He choose to be cremated and to not have his ashes kept. We held a memorial service a week after he died and then he was gone. The mature, logical side of me knows that my grandpa is always with me - in my memories and in my heart. I know that I do not need a physical tangible reminder of his life. But then there is the purely emotional, often times illogical side of me that needs to have that physical connection - something I can hold, touch, see that will remind me - that will keep me from forgetting how important he was to so many people.

My grandpa always was, and will remain, primarily a mystery to me. He was a quiet man who worked hard. I got glimpses into his mind and his heart as we both aged and matured. Those times were few and greatly treasured.

I miss him.

Summer's End

Did you ever notice how when you are a kid you use the school calendar to mark time? How your life was ruled Christmas (they weren't using the PC "winter") vacation, spring break, and summer vacation?

I find it interesting that even has an adult with no children I still, on some level, mark time in the same fashion. When summer begins I feel as if work should be ceasing and all responsibilities should be lifted and when the school supplies start hitting the shelves and the fall clothes appear on the racks I find myself hunkering down and readily picking up new responsibilities and attacking old ones with an unknown fervor.

This summer has gone far to quickly. There was so much more that I wanted to do, to see, to get organized before life got hectic and crazy again. But here I sit at summer's end being thrust back into responsibility, into life. I am eager for what is to come, but I miss summer already and wait expectantly for her return.